


Break Through

by InvisibleNinjaPirate



Category: Space Cases (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Comfort, F/M, Fights, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Male-Female Friendship, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romantic Friendship, Trust
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2018-08-14
Packaged: 2019-06-27 09:11:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15682386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InvisibleNinjaPirate/pseuds/InvisibleNinjaPirate
Summary: Episode Tag to 1.12- Break on Through to the Other Side. In which Goddard and Davenport have a meaningful talk about the effect her trip inside the Christa's computer had on each of them. Rated for some language.





	Break Through

Episode tag to 1.12- Break on Through to the Other Side- the inevitable private conversation between our favorite Space Parents after Miss Davenport’s most unfortunate episode of spending time in a cybernetic prison.

Disclaimer: I don’t own them, even though I wish I did. Just borrowing them for a while.

Goddard found her that evening, after lights out, still in her uniform but wide awake, clutching a steaming cup of tea, and deep in thought. He would admit that TJ had gone through a trying experience, but her relative silence since they had freed her from the Christa’s computer and saved Thelma- and themselves- from being swallowed by a black hole was unlike her. Finding her in the ship’s Biosphere was also unusual, considering she only went there when she absolutely needed to. This led him to believe she was intentionally hiding from the crew and him. It was Thelma who had finally revealed the hiding spot, only after the Commander had directly ordered the android to reveal the exact location Davenport was located on board. Once Thelma clarified the teacher was “in the center of the Biosphere, sitting in a patch of Dunlapian moss,” Seth immediately sought the woman out. 

Approaching from behind her, sitting amongst the assorted flora as though she was attempting to camouflage- poorly- he cleared his throat softly, trying not to startle her too much. She jumped anyway. “Commander!” Miss Davenport exclaimed, twisting around to see him. Her wide hazel eyes registered surprise. “How long have you been there?”

“Not long,” he told her. “Thelma told me you were here. Thought I’d check on you after the day we’ve had. May I join you?” 

TJ contemplated the expression on his face before determining he was sincere in wanting to see how she was doing. Nodding her assent, TJ patted the spot next to her indicating for him to take a seat beside her. He carefully situated himself where she offered, mindful to be close enough to talk, but far enough so she wouldn’t feel like he was invading her personal space. 

“Penny for your thoughts?”

“I’ve been trying to process everything that happened today,” she admitted. “It’s a lot to manage.” And it had been. TJ had always been good at compartmentalizing things, keeping her internal struggles with issues bottled up and managing them privately. While she might outwardly seem overly emotional with circumstances that go beyond her control, her deeper feelings were often kept tightly checked. Nearly losing the part of her that allows for that emotion had her deeply disturbed and made her seek out a quiet location away from prying eyes to work through her feelings on the matter and what it meant. She had honestly not considered the Commander would try to find her, especially after he’d seemed annoyed with her most of the day. His arrival was not displeasing, but most unexpected.

“Should I come back later?” he made to get up but her hand shot out to rest atop his, keeping him in place. Her quick reaction surprised both, but with thought, TJ decided she wanted the man there.

Quietly, she began to tell the story of her ordeal. “At first, I was terrified of being in the computer. As a child, I became skilled early on with them and even fantasized about being inside one. Careful what I wish for, I suppose,” she mused. “It was nothing like I imagined.”

“What in life is?” he offered back. 

She glanced at his expression, thinking him flippant, but finding him more contemplative and distant instead. “Indeed.” She paused for a few minutes before she continued. “For about five minutes it seemed exciting until I realized I was stuck. I remember trying to navigate through the system, trying to remain calm. I used pieces of knowledge stored in the Infocore to assist with the lesson for the students today. When I was done, I sort of… tried to see what else I could access.” She looked slightly mortified at herself as she revealed that news.

“What sorts of things did you try to access?” he asked cautiously. “And why not run this past me sooner?”

“You muted me. Maybe I did ask and you couldn’t hear me,” she protested, a slight edge to her voice. It had stung her, and once he had unmuted her, she laid into him, even if it had wiped that adorable smirk from his face.

“TJ, that was just a joke,” he said quickly but she waved him off.

“I’m not even mad, just hurt that I was disregarded like that, especially in front of the students,” she admitted. “It almost didn’t matter anyway. The deeper I got into the system, the more I felt the Christa trying to assimilate my consciousness. I’m not sure why she wanted that. I can’t control many aspects of the ship day-to-day so why would I be who was suddenly absorbed into the programming and controls? I attribute my stubbornness to fighting back the way I did but it was so hard. I could feel myself thinking in binary code, my individuality slipping away, and for a half a minute, I thought it might be better if I did.” Out of the corner of her eye, she saw his panicked expression to her confession and asked why that surprised him.

“Well, I don’t know what I was expecting from your description, but it wasn’t that,” he said with a sigh. “Why would you even think I- the crew- would be okay with losing you?” 

TJ looked away, unable to face him, missing his slip of the tongue. “My inclusion to this crew was an unfortunate mistake. But I had a chance in there to learn more about the origins of the Christa, the race that built her, even what caused the ship to show up to the Starcademy. And as I tried to, the ship fought back, nearly deleted me completely. Whether it was accidental or intentional, I haven’t figured out and may never know. What I do know is that I had a way to contribute something meaningful to this crew but now... I can’t seem to clearly remember any of that- except what I learned of Thelma- which means that my misadventure was for naught.” She shook slightly, speaking aloud for the first time what she had felt, and allowing the truth to sink in for herself and the Commander. It terrified her.

Seth was rattled by what she said. It never crossed his mind that his teasing, the students’ complaints about going to her class, and something deeper he hadn’t figured out yet, might get internalized by her, eating away at her confidence and magnifying her fears. “TJ, do you really feel that you have nothing to offer?” he asked quietly, trying to control the sudden wave of sorrow that hit him. One of his quiet fears was having something tragic happen to her, the woman who outwardly was prone to fits of hysteria, but somehow he knew it drew from an abundance of care and hypervigilance. Seth had silently admitted some time ago to needing her presence. In many ways, her reason, caution, and sensibility was the reason they were all alive. “Because in my eyes it couldn’t be the furthest thing from the truth."

“Then what do I offer, hmm? My anxiety nearly tore the ship apart and killed us all today. I faint regularly, am disrespected on a routine basis, and certainly get the harsher end of the practical jokes, some of which border on cruel.” Her voice had dropped to a whisper and he was fairly certain TJ was holding back tears, but Seth wasn’t entirely sure as she refused to look at him. Back at the Starcademy, she felt confident and able to tackle anything. Here in space, her sense of equilibrium was off, making her silently doubt her abilities and her worth. 

Reaching over to put a hand on her shoulder, and carefully choosing his words, he responded. “It’s because of you that we’re still alive.”

She stiffened, disbelieving of his words. “Poppycock."

“It’s true,” he cut in quickly before she could continue her bout of self-deprecation. “You always have, at heart, the best interests of the crew in mind, with every decision you make. As a result of your teaching, each of those students will have the proper education to become fully credentialed and capable STARDOGS when we return. You’re the voice of reason- your ideas and advice are what I turn to with each challenge we face. You’re brilliant- far smarter than I am- and you provide me challenges that motivate me and make me a better Commander. Frankly, you’re the best first officer I’ve ever had the privilege of serving with. That’s what you offer.” 

TJ’s heart fluttered at the compliment, unsure how to take the praise. She bowed her head to avoid eye contact with him and mumbled her thanks. However, her body did relax somewhat, marking the first time in months she began to let go of her defenses. She couldn't remember when she had last felt truly appreciated. “That’s very kind of you, Commander.”

Seth nodded. He was quiet as he gathered his thoughts, then added, “I suppose I haven’t done a very good job of letting you know how important you are to me- us. In the future, I promise to do better.”

She raised her eyebrows at him, noting his slip, but choosing to ignore it. “You know what’s bizarre? This whole episode started because I couldn’t sleep. I was walking to the galley for some tea to settle me, ran into Bova who was looking for his own snack and- well- you know the rest.” With a sigh, she added, “After all we've been through today, I still can’t seem to sleep.”

He regarded her curiously. “Do you have trouble sleeping a lot?”

“Often enough,” she admitted. “My brain is always turning and I have trouble getting it to turn off as it were. Not just on the Christa. I’ve always had this problem. My dad was always the person to help me relax, talk through what was on my mind, and help me unwind enough to sleep. I miss him.” 

Seth saw tears forming in the corners of her eyes, and the struggle in her features as she willed herself to not allow the droplets to slide down her face. He knew how close TJ was to her dad. Hell, he had always been close to the man and knew how fond he was of his daughter. It was James Davenport that he owed his entire career to, the former principal being the one responsible for recruiting Seth in the first place. The years of patience, guidance, and steady advice from his old teacher and mentor had been a constant the Commander had always relied on. He was more a father to Seth than his own father had been. Losing that part of his life- being unable to call him when needed- had cut deeply when they’d been unceremoniously tossed across the galaxy. “I miss him too,” Seth admitted softly. 

TJ reached over and took his hand, giving it a small squeeze. “You were his favorite. Always were. Regardless of everything that happened, he never stopped being proud of you. Anytime I got frustrated with you, Dad would always encourage me to give you a chance and try to see who you really are.” She turned her head away so Seth would not see the blush burning her cheeks. 

They had been so consumed with adjusting to life on the ship, keeping the students alive, and establishing a system that worked for them and the children that both had forgotten to take time to periodically check in on how each other was actually faring personally. With quite nearly losing her today, it made Seth also remember a promise he'd made long ago to himself, that he would look out for James’ daughter if the man couldn't be there. Back then, he wasn't entirely certain what had made him do that, other than James’ voice insisting there was more to Theresa James Davenport than she let others see. Now, Seth couldn’t imagine a day where she wasn’t challenging him, pushing the buttons that she knew all too well riled him up, and looking at him with that wry smile that drove him absolutely crazy. “I failed,” he said, just loud enough so TJ heard. 

“Pardon?”

“I failed.”

TJ looked confused. “How do you figure? Despite our scare with myself, and then with Mr. Bova and Thelma’s unplanned spacewalk, we are all okay. And although it was quite an experience, I am glad it was myself and not one of the children stuck within the Christa.” His admittance was odd to her. Although he had presented himself in a less than stellar light when he had first walked into her life, TJ could honestly say that being in space literally transformed him. The heroic, noble STARDOG she had heard and read so much about was back- stronger it seemed- and yet, there was still a lingering doubt in himself. It humbled her. He was far from a failure and TJ did not know yet how to convince him of that fact. That the man behind the stories and legends was far more compelling and real than what she had read only made him that much more fascinating. Required reading indeed, her internal voice scoffed.

“It should’ve been me in your place. God, if your dad found out what happened, he'd kill me.” 

TJ gaped at him in disbelief, then, in a move that shocked her, burst out laughing. “Oh, Seth,” she lamented through hysterical giggles. “We are both a mess aren't we?”

“Excuse-"

“What part of you being my father's favorite did you not understand?” she asked coyly. She looked up at him through her long eyelashes and smiled her own version of Seth’s crooked smirk. “Even at your lowest, Father always believed the best in you,” she confessed. 

“He did that for everyone,” Seth pointed out. 

She turned her head to the side and regarded him thoughtfully. “Perhaps. But he always had a soft spot for you.” She nudged him playfully, trying to get a response from him. When he didn’t react at first, she nudged him again, this time seeing he was deep in thought. “Seth?” she queried worriedly.

“You said you attributed your stubbornness to fighting back,” he said, his voice somewhat distant and contemplative. “Was there anything in particular that helped ground you to make it easier to fight back?”

She smiled sweetly and got up, heading towards the door. “Good night, Seth.”

He followed immediately. “Come on, Teej. Don’t leave me hanging like that. What brought you back?”

Without a second thought, Davenport turned around, found they were standing eye to eye, and leaned forward to plant a quick kiss on his lips. Before he could react, she pulled away, noting his jaw was unhinged but no words were able to escape. She left him that way, going to the door and running her hand across the access crystal to open it. As she made to leave, Thelma greeted her to enter the room. The android noticed his hanging mouth, still in shock from Miss Davenport’s actions. 

“What’s wrong with the Commander?” Thelma asked innocently. 

“Oh, he’s fine,” TJ assured him. “I just muted him.” Shooting one last cheeky grin his direction, she bid both a good night, exiting the Biosphere and leaving him still gaping. 

Thelma regarded him curiously, and closed his jaw. “I wonder how one goes about muting a live person?” she thought aloud. 

“Excuse me, Thelma,” Seth told the android, pushing past her into the hallway. Looking both ways, he didn’t see where TJ had gone, deciding to just choose a direction and start running. When he didn’t find her after running a full lap around the deck, he took the jump tubes to the level housing her quarters hoping to find her there. Arriving at her door, he suddenly came to the realization he had no actual plan, but it didn’t stop him from hitting the chime to her door repeatedly until she answered. 

“Commander-?” she greeted curiously. She had shed her uniform coat and vest, leaving her in her blue uniform shirt and pants. “What brings you-?”

Seth exploded, suddenly furious. “What the hell was that back there?”

“I beg your pardon!” TJ’s eyes flashed with fire, her body straightening up and readying itself for a fight.

“You kissed me! I asked how you gathered the strength to fight and you kissed me! And then you make a joke about muting me? You’re ignoring the problem and hoping it will go away!” He breathed heavily as he finished his tirade.

“And what problem am I supposedly ignoring?” she shot back hotly. TJ’s body was tightly coiled, and she was ready to pounce. 

Seth reacted in a shocking way. Without thinking, he kissed her back. TJ remained stiff, surprised. He pulled away seconds later, scanning her eyes for any reaction, seeing a combination of shock and fury. The slap that he received across his face seconds later was the answer. It stunned him, setting him backward motion away from her. “TJ, I’m-"

“How dare you!” she accused. 

“I’m sorry,” he repeated over and over as he backed away, disturbed by his uncharacteristic behavior. “I don’t know what came over me. I was out of line.” He hung his head shamefully. “I shouldn’t have come here. I’ll go…” 

TJ watched him turn to leave, her head a jumble of emotions she was not so familiar with, and her heart pounding, causing a notable ache in her chest. She watched the door to her quarters slide open and Seth start to walk out. “Seth, wait,” she said quietly, the words passing her lips before she could stop them. She watched him stop and turn back as she released a breath she hadn’t known she was holding. His face held a question, but he also looked conflicted. TJ needed to do damage control if she was going to communicate to him. Choosing her words carefully. “You were right.”

His eyebrows shot up straight, nearly meeting his hairline. “Three words I never thought would come out of your mouth towards me,” he quipped. 

She shot him a glare and huffed. Crossing her arms indignantly, her lips pursed as she closed herself off again. 

He stepped closer, careful not to touch her this time for fear she would retreat again. “TJ. Talk to me. Please.”

Drawing a shaky breath, she started in. “For all the danger we’ve faced, all the challenges our crew has managed, this… losing my identity… losing myself… this frightened me more than anything ever has.” Her voice was soft and timid. Wrapping her arms around herself, she shivered as she continued. “I was alone and had to fight. So… I…” She mumbled something unintelligible, that Seth couldn’t make out.

“What was that?” he asked.

More unintelligible mumbling.

“I’m sorry?”

TJ exploded. “YOU! You stupid lummox. I imagined what you would have done. Happy?” Tears shined in her eyes, which felt like daggers through Seth’s heart.

“No,” he whispered. “I wish you wouldn’t do that. Following my example only leads to people getting hurt. Or worse.”

“Seth?” TJ’s voice dropped considerably. “Why would you say that? You’ve changed so much on our journey so far. The students and I, we…” She struggled to find the words to persuade him of his competence. “You’re an exceptional leader. I have complete faith and confidence that you will get all of us home.”

“You shouldn’t,” he told her.

TJ was thoroughly confused. “I don’t understand.”

Seth shook his head, unsure of how to explain his feelings to her. With a sigh, he settled on the vague sounding, “We have a lot to talk about.” 

“Talking about personal matters is not something we are particularly good at,” she pointed out nervously.

“We could be better,” he admitted. “I’d like to be.”

“Me too.”

“Come on,” he nudged her, trying to shake off the funk he was in. “Space hates self-pity. You eat yet?”

“I had a cup of tea earlier in the Biosphere.”

“So no food. The kids are already in bed- and hopefully will stay there this time,” he added as he shot a wry smile to her. “Why don’t we get something to eat and maybe talk for a while? Try to sort out what just happened and maybe put ourselves on steadier ground with each other?” 

He had a hopeful look on his face that TJ found hard to ignore. Seth was trying and the look he was giving her bordered on adorable. Giving a half-smile, she nodded her assent and allowed him to guide her from the room.   
****

He watched her, delicately chewing her food, oddly quiet. After the bizarre turn of events in the Biosphere and then in her quarters, Seth wasn't sure exactly where he stood with Theresa Davenport; considering he already had trouble discerning that fact on a normal day, the events from this particular evening only made it more confusing. 

Seth contemplated what TJ might have meant by kissing him earlier. He was not a man who generally was a relationship guy. It drove his mother crazy. Hell, it made his whole family crazy. Through the entirety of his adult life, he could count on less than one hand the number of meaningful relationships he had been in. There had also been a healthy number of casual hookups, but none serious enough to go past a few dates before he either grew bored or his ship left whatever planet they had stopped at. Not his proudest moments to be sure. TJ didn't seem to fit into either box. He wouldn’t define their status as “in a relationship,” but he couldn't ever see her as being part of a casual fling either. God only knew how to define their odd partnership. If his mother ever caught wind of his complicated thoughts about the woman, she would probably push to see him settled down, happy, and maybe give her another grandkid- because apparently, the six she already had weren't enough. It was too much for him to even handle.

So why was he so torn now? For sure, TJ had thrown him off earlier. The last thing he'd expected was for her to kiss him and to like the way she felt pressed against him, even for the briefest second. Kissing her back had been a stupid, impulsive move that earned him a well-deserved slap. Right now, where they were, indulging any sort of romantic liaison would be wrong. And TJ, classy, intelligent, stubborn, fiery, infuriating TJ, deserved more than to be just a casual fuck with a broken man. Which was all he was. A broken, damaged, aging, washed out military screw up. He knew about the stories circulating of his actions during the war, of his rise through the ranks. Some stories were true, some embellished, but hardly a fully accurate representation of him. No one knew of the pain he felt, the realities he faced as an officer. If she only knew the extent to which he was damaged... She might never use him to anchor herself back to the land of the living again.

"Penny for your thoughts, Commander." Her voice broke through his reverie, not realizing his eyes had glazed over, staring straight through his first officer into nothingness. He absently registered that she parroted his same question from earlier that had set the entire evening's chain of events in motion.

"What?" he asked blankly, not fully processing the request at first.

"You seem deep in thought. What are you thinking about?" She tried again, her voice soft and filled with concern. “You’ve been oddly distant all evening, even as you tried to lift my own spirits.”

Seth shook his head, relaxing the white-knuckled grip he only now noticed he held on the mug of coffee he'd been nursing. "Not much," he said vaguely. "Just..." He paused, trying to find the right word, but landing on, "stuff."

Her eyebrows raised slightly as she rose, taking her plate with her. "Looked like pretty intense 'stuff'," she said, leaving the table.

"Where are you going?" He asked. 

"To wash my dishes. Those are still the rules, yes? To clean up after oneself when eating outside normal meal times? " Her voice was even but a tiny smirk was pulling at the corners of her mouth. It was the same look her father got occasionally. 

"Yeah. Of course."

Once she had finished washing, drying, and putting away her utensils, TJ sat across from him, holding her own cup of tea with a soft look on her face. Gently, she asked, “You said you wanted to talk, Commander but you’ve been rather quiet since we arrived here.” When he continued to remain silent, she tried again. “I know it was rather uncharacteristic of me to come out of nowhere the way I did earlier regarding my behavior. I apologize for that.”

“I probably deserved the slap,” he said dully. 

“I was referring to the event preceding that,” she said with a deep blush. 

His eyebrows quirked slightly before he simply said, “Forgiven.” 

The silence stretched between them again, almost uncomfortably so, as they both began looking around the room at any spot except each other. After a period of this, TJ decided she couldn’t continue on, so, politely excusing herself, she rose to leave. 

"Why is your father proud of me?" The Commander cut in suddenly, stopping her mid-turn. 

TJ quickly turned back toward him, looking thoroughly confused. It was the last thing she expected to hear. "Beg pardon?"

"You said that your father has always been proud of me. That he never stopped, even after...". His voice trailed off, leaving the unspoken words "my demotion" hanging between them. 

"That's right," TJ said carefully.

"But why? 

TJ cocked her head to the side as she chose the words she wanted to say. Sitting beside him once more, she explained. "He always believed that despite everything, you were always a good and decent man. Father always encouraged me to try and help you find that part of yourself again because he truly felt it still lay beneath the bitterness and the anger you displayed towards me and everyone else you came in contact with at the Starcademy. I confess to doing a horrible job at listening to Dad. Sometimes you and I would have moments to talk and I could feel there was some sort of progress between us. At those times, I started to see the man my father saw and I understood for a time why you were so special to him. After those times, in meetings, I would try to defend you until the Principal or some other official would get into my head and convince me that you were beyond saving. That I was wasting my time. Instead of listening to my instincts, I tried saving face personally and went straight back to the beginning with you. I am not proud of that fact and admittedly, I regret how I behaved. And I’m sorry. You never deserved that treatment."

"I never knew where I stood with you," Seth told her. “Still not entirely sure.”

"Same here," TJ admitted. After a pause, she asked, “Why do you doubt Father’s faith in you?”

“I don’t doubt it. I question why he believes so highly in me when I can’t even see it in myself,” he admitted quietly.

TJ sat next to him, worrying her lip. Here was a man who she’d always assumed was confident, strong, and so sure of himself and for the first time, she realized that there was a layer of insecurity to him. Certainly she’d never noticed it, but he had also done a remarkable job of hiding it. It left her with many questions. Choosing her words carefully, she decided to begin with a simple question. “Where is this coming from, Commander?”

Seth took a deep breath, mulling over whether he wanted to proceed. There was so much he wanted to say. Meeting her eyes, he was struck by how much she suddenly seemed to be channeling her father, his most trusted ally. He felt instantly more at ease and began to talk. “How familiar are you with Command School training procedures?”

“Nothing more than a basic knowledge I’m afraid.”

“I’ll try to explain this the best I can then. One of the tests they put all candidates through is called the Aurelius Toma. It’s supposed to test your reaction to various simulated scenarios that are presented to you,” he began.

“I’ve heard of that one,” she said. “Not the details, just in passing. It’s notoriously brutal.”

“The content isn’t difficult. It’s the emotional impact that gets you,” he told her. She cocked her head curiously as he continued. “Everyone’s scenarios are different and it’s adaptive, so the algorithms change with every decision made. Regardless though, everyone gets thrown the same curveball- at some point you have to make a decision that ultimately means you must sacrifice either a crew member or yourself for the sake of saving the rest of the ship.”

“How did your test go?” she queried softly.

“My chief of engineering was killed,” he said quietly. “I mean, it was a simulation but still…” He was silent for a moment as he gathered himself, then continued. “The twist to the test is that if you can’t make the judgment call to sacrifice that life, whichever person it is, yourself or another, you fail. Instantly.”

“This bothered you,” she surmised.

“Yeah. Moral dilemma. All my life, to that point, I was told that all life is precious and you do what it takes to protect those lives. Then I get thrown a single thirty-minute simulation and everything I thought I knew was completely upended. It fucks with your head. There wasn’t a single person who walked out of there that day feeling particularly proud of themselves,” he said sadly. 

“What did everyone do afterwards?”

“The instructors go over the scenarios with everyone the next day, after you have time to process it,” Seth told her. “Everyone processes differently.”

“What did you do?” she asked softly. 

“Some people drink. I got invited but I wasn’t feeling up to it. Others find one of the counselors they have there to talk to. Didn’t want a shrink getting in my head. Some people call home. Didn’t want to talk to my parents. I called your dad.”

“You called Father?”

“Yep. My parents are pretty religious- not fanatical, but devout enough- they never would have understood what I had been expected to do. But your dad has always had pretty good advice and knew how to talk me through things. We talked for a long time that night.” Seth smiled at the memory. 

“He always so enjoyed his calls with you,” she revealed. With a smile, she added, “Drove my mum crazy.” 

“Anytime I had a difficult problem or decision to make, I always called him. That night I told him that I never wanted to be in a position to ever be forced to decide what the Aurelius forced me to. I insisted I would be that officer who could save everyone. Naive of me, I know.” He laughed mirthlessly. “You know what your dad told me?” 

TJ shook her head. “He would speak of you often, but never about your private conversations,” she told him.

Seth simply nodded. “He said that regardless of what happens, I always need to trust that I’m making the right decision. Even if everyone else thinks it’s wrong. It has to be mine. And I have to own it.”

“You want to protect everyone,” she noted, admiring the man in front of her. “That part of you hasn’t changed.”

“Are you sure?” he debated her. “Because before the war, I could make decisions with minimum casualties and try to convince myself they were accidents. During the war- it seemed every day my crew and I were staring down death. Regardless of what choices I made, someone was killed and that blood is on my hands. I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t protect them. And it was starting to slowly kill me inside.” Tears sprung to his eyes as his brain brought those memories to the forefront.

TJ took hold of his hand and squeezed gently in an effort to reassure him. He squeezed it back, gripping tightly as though the hand was anchoring him in place. “I started having nightmares soon after that. All the faces of the people I couldn’t save. During the day I tried to be the Captain my crew needed to keep up morale and in private I was falling apart.”

TJ was afraid of how to move forward knowing this information and wasn’t even sure how to proceed. Her private assessment was that the Commander had been silently suffering from some form of unaddressed PTSD. He’d been dealing with it for longer than she’d known him. And worse, in her efforts to report back on his behaviors at the Starcademy and allow STARDOG Command to “teach him a lesson,” she had missed his suffering. Heavens, I am rubbish, she internally chastised herself. Seth made it easier on her by continuing.

“You’re probably wondering how this all relates to what you went through today and your dad,” he said sadly, using his free hand to wipe his eyes. 

“It, um, it did cross my mind,” she whispered shakily. 

“My biggest fear on this ship has been losing one of those kids to a decision I make. We’ve had any number of close calls already and I’ve endured my share of nightmares reliving those circumstances but today…” he trailed off, attempting to find the words. 

“My little misadventure,” she filled in.

“Your dad would never forgive me if something happened to you. I meant what I said earlier- your dad would kill me. And I would never be able to forgive myself if anything were to happen to you.” He glanced sideways at her, tears filling his crystal blue eyes once more causing her heart to break for him. He saw similar tears in the corners of her hazel ones. “Teej? Are you okay?”

Her eyes scanned his, looking right into his soul. This was not at all what she expected. He felt a shift between them but remained still until she spoke again, never breaking eye contact. “Father always encouraged me to give you a chance. To find out who you really are,” she whispered, repeating her own sentiments from earlier, but reciting it with a level of conviction and an emotion that he’d not heard used toward him in a long time. “I’m just sorry that it took me so long to realize that he was right.” A rogue tear that she had been fighting slid down her cheek and he absently used his free hand to brush it away. She closed her eyes at the contact, leaning into his hand.

“I’m a broken man, TJ,” he confessed. “Been for a long time.”

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy,” she said softly, opening her eyes to stare into his. 

“Martin Luther King?”

She nodded. “Do not let your fear and your doubts define you, Commander. Use it to build yourself back stronger than you were,” she advised gently. 

"Words to live by," he said quietly. "I know someone else who would do well to follow her father's advice. And Dr. King’s."

"We're not talking about me," she countered. "But I am trying. Please be patient with me."

Seth nodded as his hand dropped back to his side and he looked away. "I meant what I said earlier about what you offer the crew. You are making me a better officer and a better man. You are the reason I'm sitting here now. I can’t do any of this without you."

"You offer me too much credit," she said, blushing a deep red. "It's appreciated though, thank you." After a moment, she asked another question. "Have you ever told anyone else?"

"Hmm?"

"What you told me. The doubts? Father's pride in you? The nightmares? Does anyone else know?" Her voice felt small and timid as she asked, afraid that she was crossing a line. 

He sighed loudly and squeezed the hand that still held his. "Your dad knows about some. Not all of it. No one else.”

She was stunned. “Not even your parents?”

“They’d never understand,” he said dismissively. “My younger sister is the only one who suspects anything is off but I’ve never shared this directly. Usually I deflect if she asks. I never knew how to talk about it. My older brother and sister, the twins, just think I’ve been cowboying around the universe and avoiding family responsibilities for selfish reasons. If that’s the illusion they want...” he trailed off.

Silence set in again. TJ wasn’t entirely sure how to even respond. Seth was placing an incredible level of trust in her- more than even his own family. Unsettling when she contemplated the mess that was her own life. How was she supposed to help him manage his fears when she could barely manage her own anxieties? “You are putting a great deal of trust in me.”

Seth caught on to her hesitation and backpedaled somewhat, scared that he’d ended up pushing her away rather than garnering support. “TJ, I didn’t mean to just dump this on you. I just wanted you to understand why-"

“Stop!” she whispered fiercely. “Don’t apologize for your honesty and for placing your trust in me. It- it means a lot that you feel you can.” A pause, then, “After the way I treated you, your faith in me is more than I deserve. If we’re being honest, then I want you to know that I have the utmost faith and trust in your ability to guide us home. I understand you have doubts-" she added as she heard him start to protest. “But I want you to be able to trust me with this. I’m honored, really. I just… I didn’t expect…” She lost steam then and didn’t know how to continue. 

Thankfully, Seth did. “I don’t trust easily,” he admitted. 

“I know,” TJ whispered.

“I trust you,” he continued. Tentatively reaching over, he put his hand over hers.

She smiled, turning her hand over to squeeze his. “And I trust you. Regardless of how you feel about yourself, I see you returning to the man I’ve always believed you to be. And there is no one I feel safer with or more confident in than you.”

“I think you’re putting a lot of stock in my reputation and previous actions than who I really am,” he told her flatly.

TJ gave him a small, soft smile. "Despite your best efforts to prove this to the contrary, I'm finding I like the real Seth Goddard more than the legend. He's flawed, but so are we all."

"Please don't tell anyone about what I told you," Seth requested. “I’ve barely come to terms with it myself. I’m not ready to explain it to anyone else.”

"It’s not my secret to tell," she said sincerely. "Besides, I rather like that I get to share this with you. Something that belongs to just us."

He stared down at where their hands were intertwined, smiling slightly as he realized just what her friendship, her companionship meant to him. “We’ve made something of a breakthrough tonight, haven’t we?” he noted quietly. 

“It seems we have,” TJ agreed. 

 

Looking back up at her, he continued, giving her hand another squeeze. “We should do this more often.” 

“We should,” she echoed, her voice barely registering above a whisper.

Seth was completely captivated by her, but it remained but a brief, unresolved moment. Thelma chose that second to appear over his shoulder. “Commander?” the android asked innocently.  
Seth sucked in a sharp breath, desperately trying to remain composed as he continued looking at TJ, who had a small smirk tugging at her lips. “Yes, Thelma?”

“Oh, good, you are no longer muted,” Thelma said jovially. 

Seth saw TJ trying to suppress a giggle as he pressed his mouth into a thin line and huffed lightly. “No, no longer muted,” he parroted, looking at TJ as he said so.

“Excellent, sir. Then I can inform you that there is a minor relay issue at the helm. It is having an effect on navigation as well,” Thelma said.

“Probably just a bad connection. I’ll be right up to take a look at it,” Seth said with a sigh. Thelma disappeared then, leaving them alone again. “Duty calls,” he said quietly.

“Of course,” TJ said softly. “Talk again tomorrow?” she added hopefully. 

He nodded as he let go of her hand and rose. “Tomorrow.” He strode to the exit, pausing at the door to throw back, “Maybe we discuss what made you want to kiss me,” before leaving. 

TJ was left gaping, blushing furiously with no way to yell back at him as he’d already departed. Shaking her head, she made to depart herself, contemplating just how to handle his final question when they met again.


End file.
